Sunday, April 8, 2007

Super Self Confidence - How To Lose It And How You Can Get It Back

It is well worth discussing what self-confidence is, before describing how you can change your low self confidence into healthier and empowering confidence.

As human beings, we action many tasks automatically and without having to think too much about it. An example would be riding a bike. Even though we might have gone through a few years of not using a bike, if we needed to, we would not find any difficulty in getting back on a bicycle and riding again. This is because we have done it so many times before that we know just what to do and do not have to give it too much conscious thought. So if you were to ask someone, how confident are you that you can ride a bike, as long as they had learnt to ride a bike in the past, they would probably say 'very confident'. They feel confident about it because they have done it many many times successfully before. In fact they now give very little thought to actions required to ride a bike. It all happens automatically.

This can be called a type of self confidence. Knowing something so well, that as the saying goes, you could do it with your eyes closed or you know it like the back of your hand.

Now when someone says that they have low confidence, they can so easily make the mistake of encompassing their whole life with this label. They might even say 'I never have any confidence in myself'. By saying this out loud to others who will listen, or even thinking it to themselves, they will be setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. The label you give yourself or the label you accept as being true will invariably mean that you start to fit yourself to that label, and, can make it your own living reality.

However, that person above will be able to successfully accomplish many things confidently but, and here is the big 'but' they will not use these successes as evidence of confidence. They will dismiss or belittle them in some way (e.g. saying "I was lucky") so that they can maintain this need to say they have no confidence. This is a pity as it is only through taking a realistic view of what happens in their world, will they then be able to feel more confident about themselves.

It can be quite startling how someone will say they have no confidence and yet 5 minutes later they will tell you about some amazing things that they do such as talking in front of 10,000 people, or they go mountain climbing. Despite undertaking these events, which ordinarily seem nerve-wracking events, they may still say that they have low confidence.

So confidence or the lack of it, has a lot to do with how you view yourself. If this is the case then really it is down to a perception. Perceptions are not a true reflection of reality all of the time. Often perceptions, even between just 2 people, can be remarkably different even though these 2 people have in reality, experienced exactly the same thing.

Perceptions are the filters we use to process what happens around us. Our perceptions can make us feel good, bad or indifferent. They can give us a boost of energy or deflate us into an anxious and fearful mass. Our perceptions have power.

Our perceptions are, more often than not, based on our past conscious and subconscious experiences. They are our way of analysing what happens around and enabling us to decide the implications for us. When experiencing anything, our minds will very quickly compare the current experience to past experiences and, these past experiences will indicate how we should react to this current experience. If we have had a bad experience that seems very similar to the current experience, we will feel in a similar way to the feeling we associated with that past bad experience.

So our perceptions are based on past experiences and what we have learned from them.

This gives us a clue about how we can change and become more confident. Our perceptions can be so inaccurate and if they were formed at a young age may also have lacked understanding. Most of us have had the experience of perceiving someone or some situation in a particular way, only to realise that we got it completely wrong. With this in mind, although our perceptions are a form or protection and are meant to enable us to weigh up a situation quickly, they can also be wholly inaccurate.

Healthy and robust self-confidence begins by accepting that your perception of yourself may be wrong in certain matters. For example, some friends will be astounded when someone announces (may be on a drunken evening), that they have low confidence. These friends will say will all sincerity that they find this hard to believe as they always appear confident and in control. Yet that person will still insist that they lack confidence. Obviously the signals that they are externalising are not the same as those that they are internalising. Often the person who appears to be the most confident and out-going will have terrible doubts and internal conflicts. The external bravado will be their way of masking how they feel inside.

Balanced self-confidence begins by admitting and accepting more evidence of what you can do well. It also begins by accepting positive and complimentary comments made to you as well as other forms of evidence. In the past you may have dismissed a positive comment that was said to you because you didn't know how to handle it. You may even have made a joke of it or tried to dig up the tiniest fragment of evidence as to why you don't deserve such praise. Many people say something like this 'Oh, it was nothing'.

It would be virtually impossible to retain your self-confidence if you are someone who always dismisses or belittles their achievements. So make up your mind from today not to do it. Decide from this moment onwards to say just two words when someone says something nice or complimentary to. The two words are 'thank you'. Try it out next time and see how you feel about it. It will help you start to feel the confidence that has always been theyre waiting for you.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

7 Ways To Improve Your Attitude

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

- Viktor Frankl

Attitude is everything. Yes, Everything.

It is more vital than events. It's more important than what's happened. Because attitude determines whether we are happy or unhappy, fulfilled or empty, the positive perspective assures us that we can never fail. A hopeful attitude guarantees internal success. Attitude- the altitude adjuster determines whether we fly high or low, crash or soar, glide or slide.

Anybody can have a positive attitude when things are going well. What really matters is its how you act when things are going badly that determines the strength of your character. An appropriate attitude means feeling hopeful in challenging times. Stop yourself. Count your blessings. Look for the good. Here are the magnificent 7 ways to improve your attitude:

1. Choose to be Enthusiastic

Corporate presidents voted it the most valuable personality trait. It's the biggest single factor in successful selling. Think enthusiastically. Talk enthusiastically. Become enthusiastic by acting enthusiastic. Your thoughts and actions establish your level of enthusiasm.

2. Be Alive to Everything You Do

Walk fast. Put a bounce in your step. A vigorous, hearty handshake indicates you are glad to be alive and happy to be with the other person. A good smile radiates enthusiasm. Put spirit into your speech by varying the tempo, raising and lowering the pitch, changing the tone and modulation. Force yourself to act with enthusiasm, and soon you will feel enthusiastic.

3. Broadcast Good News

No one ever made a friend or accomplished anything worthwhile by transmitting bad news. Good news, on the other hand, promotes good will and spreads enthusiasm. The message, "Hey! I've got good news" gets the attention of everyone. Take sunshine to school or work. Always aim to make the person you talk to feel better than they otherwise would.

4. The Power of Visualization

Imagination powerfully influences successful outcomes. When imagination and willpower compete, the imagination always wins. Force of will never keep you striving for success, but proper visualization will. All peak performers visualize success. Before you try to do anything, close your eyes and visualize yourself doing it well.

5. Positive Self-Talk

What did you say to yourself today? Did you moan and groan about everyone at school or work? Did you complain about your parents to your best friend? What we think is 100% reflected in how we feel. If all we think about is negative thoughts, our actions will be negative. Remember "I'm a 10! I'm Healthy! Wealthy! Happy! I do what I ought to do, when I ought to do it, whether I want to or not! No Debate! I love me!"

6. Love Others

How can we become more loving? By bringing encouragement, optimism, and hope to all that we meet. By helping others feel comfortable in our presence. By spreading joy and goodwill. By being concerned about the wishes and desires of others. By understanding, caring, accepting, and forgiving. By becoming more concerned about helping others achieve their individual desires.

7. Never Miss 1 to 6 Above

I think, I need not tell you the importance of this point!

Go, choose your Attitude and choose your own way!

Your ZigZag Path To Success

"Living systems require setbacks to flourish."
Bob Pratcher

Do you ever get frustrated with your progress? Do you tell yourself that every time you take three steps forward, you then take two steps backward? Do you identify the backwards steps as setbacks and failures?

What if backwards steps are not failures at all? Would it make a difference in how you feel about your efforts if you knew that the pattern of "three-steps forward and two steps back" has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the way that all living systems work? What if going backwards is not a sign of failure, but is absolutely essential to progress?

This is the claim of Socionomics theory, which turns all kinds of conventional wisdom on its head. For example, socionomics claim that people are not in a bad mood because the stock market is down. Socionomics claims the stock market is down because people are in a bad mood. In other words, human emotions create the motion in the stock market, not the other way around.

According to this theory, "Living systems require setbacks to flourish." If this statement is true, it is a radical reframing of the "three steps forward and two steps back" pattern. It means that your setbacks are not personal failures. When you move three steps forward and two steps back, you are following the essential pattern of the all living systems.

If you read success literature, you will often see setbacks identified as tests of perseverance. The socionomics insight is deeper than this. Your setbacks are not signs of failure, and they don't occur to test your character. They are simply part of the dominating patterns underlying human systems. Instead of treating setbacks as personal failures on your part, what difference would it make for you to see setbacks as essential to your success? What if the secret to success is regular setbacks, not because setbacks strengthen your character to persevere, but because growth requires periodic pulling back?

Consider how often pulling back is necessary to gather strength. The archer with the bow needs to pull the arrow back to give it power to move forward. Muscles work only when they are contracted. The contraction of the muscle is the pullback that gives you strength. Martial arts teach pulling back as a way to gather energy. Using the energy of the pullback is the source of power.

Did you see videos of the devastating Southeast Asian tsunami? Before the tsunami wave hit, the water pulled back. Children ran out to gather exposed fish. And then the water crashed back in an enormous wave, swallowing up everyone in its path. The pullback of the water increased the strength of the wave itself. And so, what if setbacks are not really setbacks?

Socionomics identifies "three steps forward and two steps back" as the recurring pattern of all living systems. Why would you be exempt from experiencing the same zigzag pattern?

Abundance is also part of a pattern. Abundance does not come in straight lines. The root meaning of the word "abundance" refers to an overflowing wave. Just as waves ebb and flow, abundance comes in waves, with steps forward and steps backwards.

What would happen if you renamed your setbacks as pullbacks, and saw them as part of the universal process of gathering strength to propel you forward? Not because the setbacks build your character, but because the pullbacks consolidate your energy and gather strength? What difference would it make for you to recognize that both success and abundance follow a zigzag path?

Freedom From Fear

Fear, Phobia, Dread, Panic, call it what you will, everyone of us has known what it is like to have been afraid of a situation we have found ourselves having to confront at one time or another.

It may be a fear of flying, heights, public speaking or a myriad of other things that can ruin our lives, and that of our family and friends as well.

But what is it that makes us have these feelings? Why are we scared of some scenarios but not others? Why isn’t everyone afraid of the same things? Well obviously not everyone is the same, we all think and behave differently therefore deal with situations differently as well.

So having said that how can we overcome our fears, the key word is THINK because believe it or believe it not we all have the ability to control what we think. We can turn negative thoughts into positive ones, making us feel more confident and able to deal with life and all it can throw at us.

Take the fear of lying for instance. It probably isn’t the thought of actually flying that scares us, it is more likely to be something that is associated with flying that causes the problem. Crashing and not flying is the obvious example but it can be something much less scary that sends us into panic mode.

In you own mind picture yourself going on a trip involving flying (or any other scenario that upsets you) and you will break the experience down into segments and discover which part of the experience it is that really causes the problem.

Maybe it is arriving late and missing the flight, crowded airports, having to deal with strangers, the claustrophobic feeling of the plane or even a dislike of where you are flying to or going to meet or do when you arrive.

Once you have done this you will find that you have just one or maybe two small phobias compared with the huge one you had when you started and you can now begin to do something about them. You will probably feel more confident about the situation already.

The big bonus is that you don’t have to do this by yourselves, there is help out there to guide you through it. Remember you did not have these fears when you were born, we have all seen how fearless young children are, all you need is to retrain your brain and rid yourselves of these irrational thoughts.

Strangely enough just after writing this article I was watching a popular TV programme about airports and it showed a clip which endorsed much of what I had just written. It showed an elderly gentleman boarding a flight to take him away on holiday following the recent death of his wife.

Once onboard he felt sick, dizzy and claustrophobic and being confused he decided to get off of the plane a report how he felt to the girls who had looked after him back at the booking in desk. Other passengers seeing him get off started to panic thinking he may have left a bomb behind and the pilot had no choice but to evacuate the plane and have it security searched before taking off.

The truth was discovered when the gentleman reached the check in desk but it was too late to prevent the flight being delayed. Prior to his wife’s death they had regularly flown together quite happily but this was the first flight the man had taken alone since his wife had passed away. The memory of his wife and their travels together reinforced his feelings of grief and loneliness, which together triggered off the panic attack. He was unable to resume his flight and had to postpone his holiday until he had received treatment for his symptoms.

6 Keys to Resolving Conflict

Ok.. they did it first!
They did the worst thing in your life ever!
They did it like pretend there are no problem at all!

You have problems, I have problems, she have problems

ok.. ok... stop it!!
That would help the worstest conflict happened.

Well, may these 6 keys could helps our problems.
Hope there is no big conflict come into our life again


Remember "Dragnet and Sgt. Friday? His famous line was "Just the facts, Ma'am.” We all think our view of the world is the "right" one: the only right one. Recognize that you just have a piece of the 'truth'. Try creating a police or news report that captures both your view of what happened as well as the view of the person with whom you're having the conflict. This will help you release your attachment to the 'right-ness' of your personal perspective.

When we disagree with someone, we often get worked up over not just the event that happened, but the judgments we made about the situation and the person, the feelings that were evoked in us and the story we make up about what it all means. Take ownership for your own feelings. The other person didn't "make you feel" a particular way. They did what they did. You chose to feel the way you did. You gave the situation all the meaning it had for you. There was a whole range of emotions you could have felt and conclusions you could have drawn. You picked the ones you did, so notice if they represent a familiar theme in your life.


We often assume we know what the other person was intending to do 'to us'. The only thing we really know is the reaction we had to the other person's behavior. Recognize that they may not have 'meant' to disrespect (or hurt, or ignore or control) you. Also recognize that if you are the perpetrator, just because your motive was innocent, that doesn't negate the feelings the other person experienced.


Imagine that any complaint (yours or another's) is really a request in disguise. When we are in situations we don't like and we feel powerless, the natural response is to complain and blame.

Next time you catch yourself complaining, stop and ask yourself "If something could be different here and I would like that better, what would 'that' be?" Then ask for it! Make the request to someone who has the power to grant it. Complaining or making requests to anyone else won't get your problem solved.


Sometimes, you know exactly what you want to say but the words get stuck in your throat like a big wad of chunky peanut butter. There is a clear message to be delivered, but you hesitate to say it aloud out of fear, worry or concern about the other person’s possible reaction. At those times, start with where you’re stuck. Open the dialog with “I’d like to say something, but I’m afraid that I’ll… or you’ll…” You’ll be surprised at the impact that sharing your vulnerability will have on the receptivity of the other person. You’ll also be surprised at how easily the important message will now come out.


Recognize that you may have something to do with the continued existence of the problem.

This is generally hard for people to deal with. It's so much easier to blame someone else for your problems. It's the "those idiots over there" syndrome. "If they would just..." They may not.

Figure out what actions you can take to solve your own dilemma.


Forgiveness is not condoning or even accepting. Forgiving someone in your heart who has 'wronged' you, just releases your agony. It does nothing for them. Holding on to your grievance will just keep your blood pressure high. If you can't muster "I forgive them", try "I'm willing to forgive them.” Then let it go and let your willingness salve your pain.